When we look at changing our behaviour, any behaviour, many things come into play.
There is our positive motivation or the benefits we'll get if we make the change: "I'll be happier/healthier/have more money...
etc".
Then, there is our negative motivation, or what will happen if we don't make the change: "If I keep doing this I'll get cancer or have a heart attack/be lonely forever/never be able to afford so and so...
etc".
Add to this our past experience or memory of what's happened previously when we've attempted to make similar changes and compound all this with our attitude toward making the change itself - are we being pressured into it by friends/family or societal norms? Do we think we need to change? Are we changing for other's approval? Do we value what we'll get out of changing? And lastly, do we even want to make the change? One common attitude toward behavioural change that can be particularly damaging to our ability to let go is the concept of "giving up".
When we use the words "giving up", we are implying that we are somehow losing something that benefits us; that there will be a gaping hole in our lives where this thing once was; that we will pine after it, be miserable without it and miss it terribly.
We might say we are "giving up" chocolate - that incredible dark, rich sweetness that tastes so satisfying.
We might also say we are "giving up" men or "giving up" sex - not surrendering to our deep desire for warmth, comfort and physical pleasure because it may not benefit us at this time.
These things are inherently good.
They put a smile on our face and we can (mostly) completely enjoy their experience without self-judgement or holding back or feeling guilty.
We are simply making a conscious choice to avoid these things at this particular moment for a particular purpose (i.
e.
we want to lose weight or detox from a relationship).
On the other hand, we never say we are "giving up" being messy or "giving up" complaining or "giving up" not exercising.
We don't "give up" being angry or "give up" being critical.
We know these things are negative and self-indulgent, they take away from our ability to be truly authentic in our lives.
Rather, we are "changing", "being open to other possibilities", "shifting", "redesigning our personalities", "making a new choice", "transforming", "cutting down", "working on" or just plain "stopping".
We see these words as confident and about taking charge and responsibility for our circumstances.
When we "stop" we are stepping up fully to the wonderful challenge of our life without this thing or behaviour that's holding us back.
We are boldly saying "I understand I have a choice here and I am ready for it.
" When we "give up" we are coming from a place of weakness, of unsteadiness, a lack of certainty and a murky clarity of intention.
Internally, we are divided.
We are saying "Yes...
but...
" Take cigarettes for example, those that believe they are "giving up' something that truly benefits them and brings them great pleasure will, at some point, go back to smoking while those who "stop" tend to be more secure and confident in their decision with greater long-term success.
So we have two choices.
When looking at making a change, ANY change, are we looking only at what we think we're missing out on, or are we looking at the facts of the situation? As our internal attitude creates our external reality, do we vacillate with our thoughts and decisions or do we embrace change with whole-hearted commitment despite not knowing future outcomes.
The choice is ours.