People did not have the means to buy pots and pans or build a house and the community would raid their shelves and contribute their efforts to allow the couple to establish themselves in a home.
As time has gone on, while that continues to happen, the bar for young couples' "establishing" their households has gotten a little higher.
One friend was invited to a woman's third marriage and an individual fork on her silver requests was over $300.
Sort of makes you want to buy her a lovely assortment of Hallmark cocktail napkins, doesn't it? In a recent Miss Manners column, a couple attending a shower showed up with a great marriage video ($15-20) and felt as if they'd underperformed because two people got the couple 72-inch flatscreens.
You can imagine Miss Manner's response! But as we postpone marriage, and leave our parents' homes earlier, we tend to have at least one household full of stuff before we marry.
So we don't need as much stuff.
And if you want to contain your expenditures, you might want to help your guests contain their expenditures on your behalf.
That will help contain or even transform their expectations.
If you decide to have a fun wedding, no matter what, most people are not going to be aware that you've chosen elegant simplicity over elegant extravagance.
Doing things cheaply does not have to mean doing it on the cheap.
- Make sure your wedding is consistent with your values.
(talk about your values in your wedding ceremony and your wedding vows.
) - Celebrate your community.
(ask them for their support, plan a wedding ceremony and wedding activities that involve them.
) - Have a flat out good time.
(do things that you and your community like to do.
)
You will actually still receive some gifts.
Some people like to give gifts.
(My SweetPea and I had asked for no gifts.
But one friend knew I could use a great pan and she bought me two and let me inherit another.
They are fabulous.
And my SweetPea was given a wonderful Snare Drum, so life is great!).
People contributed gladly to our wedding (and in the long run our community) in time and talent instead.
And if you want to acknowledge that the world is in perilous need, ask people to contribute to a favorite charity, either theirs or yours.
Now you're a good soul and you're tax deductible! (Steve and I created Peaceful Measures so that we could do the work we wanted with Elders and Youth.
Now a year later, it's almost a realized dream!) Move the focus of your wedding from consumerism to community.
You'll have so much fun and so will your guests.
Play games, share food, celebrate the love that has transformed your life and the marriage that will shape it.
The biggest gift will be this incredible gathering.