Social psychologists discovered long ago that telling someone who or what they are is more powerful than telling them who they should be.
"Attribution theory" studies what traits we attribute to the character of another person.
If a parent wants to improve a child's conduct it would be wise avoid saying "You are so bad, you should improve.
" Here badness is attributed as an existing fact of nature, while improvement is a maybe to strive for! Since we learn our identity largely through social definition, it would be much wiser to say "You are such a good boy, that you needn't do this "troublesome" behavior.
Behind every attempt to correct a behavior we are shaping how the person secretly views themself.
Romantic couples are the strongest social influence in each other's world and how they describe each other is of tremendous importance.
Part of what helped me lose my first 75 pounds--in a partnered approach to weight loss-- is this: my partner saw within my (temporary) obesity the (actual) small person I truly am.
And she called me small before I was anywhere near that, which helped it come true.
This is like the advice, "Fake it til you make it.
" Practicing a goal state and pretending to be what we will someday become is how children practice for adult roles and how athletes become champions.
First believe, then achieve.
This was one of the greatest gifts of our teamwork diet.
My partner, Debbie, for reasons I shall always appreciate (if not fully understand), always saw through my "optional extra pounds," (many of which have since departed), to the "small me" (pretty well) hidden within.
She regularly focused on how "little" this (at the time nearly-300-pound!) being was.
This is something a caring ally or partner can do for you that you may not be capable of doing for yourself! And it is powerful.
It is supportive.
It sparks hope where desperation once dominated.
Debbie noticed that I was not terribly tall, and was small-boned (underneath the weight).
She focused on my little wrists and small feet, and consistently visualized the real me, while ignoring the visible (obviously-huge) me.
This is similar to the religious idea that man (ego self) sees the exterior of things, while God (our higher self) looks upon the heart, seeing the inner truth of matters.
Anyway you view it, it is a blessing.
Debbie would often affectionately say things like, "You're such a tiny being.
" Something I had never heard and never imagined.
This well hidden truth-in-waiting helped me become that real me which she could see all along.
I was understandably fixated on how excessively large I was, and her focusing on my smallness, when I could not, meant the world to my own hope and self-esteem.
To be praised for being small gave me the strength to become smaller.
My own "honest and reality-based" focus on my overweight had become a deterrent to change.
This is Shakespeare's brilliant secret to the "The Taming of the Shrew.
" The shrew symbolizes the angry, negative, demanding voices within us all, and especially within the addict or alcoholic (with which the play begins).
"The Taming of the Shrew" is Shakespeare's instruction manual for correcting addictions.
Petruchio tames the shrewish, loud, and angry Kate by never once responding to the noisy exterior that no one else can manage to ignore.
He only speaks to her opposite, gentle and loving self (very well) hidden within; until, in time, it emerges into the light of day.
And, by the way, the opposite, not so lovely self that is hidden within her "perfect" sister also emerges in the end.
While seriously overweight, I had a very small person (or given my weight maybe a few of them!) hidden within.
Forgoing the obvious exterior and focusing on the unrealized positive self hidden within and waiting to emerge can sometimes help more than apparent truth.
Believing in our buried selves can help them see the light of day.
How many spouses remind their partner how heavy they are, when reminding them of the truly thin person they are might help that come true?